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05/12/12 Your apathy is pathetic.

I don’t think i’ve ever written like a diary post yet, which is kind of dumb because this blog is for future me. How am I supposed to remember things that I can’t match the reference to? Well now, here we go then,

Today I ran a race, you know what race it is future me. Well, Me and let’s name them A C J and C&J’s friend. A and I took this shit seriously. I tried running and even when I didn’t run I walked as fast as I could. C, J and C&J;s friend took their own sweet time. Now C and J hadn’t seen C&J’s friend in a long time, so i understand hat you want to catch up. But we’re in a race. A goddamn race. The fact that you’re complaining and just strolling along and stopping for food and whatever and just standing there talking isn’t helping. Can you please, please do this later and just take it seriously? You can catch up later. This might have been okay if none of us had taken this seriously, but A and I  did and you honestly (I hate saying this because I sound like a tool) disappointed up. Hell, you pissed me the hell off. A and I would run to the next checkpoint and we tried to involve you as little as possible, to accommodate your laziness, but there were sometimes we just needed you there. We were basically begging you to hurry up. You guys laughed. We needed you to hurry up and get to the park which I drew out the route to on a map and told you where to go and we begged because you had to be there. You didn’t answer us and when you did you said you were “lost”. Then you slowly sauntered in with McDonald’s. And then you’re the one complaining still. You say where we finished was good enough, but I’m pissed off knowing we could have done better. I KNOW we could have done better. Please, please stop complaining. I really don’t want to be pissed at you guys but you made it impossible not to. A said she was angry too but then she was okay and not angry at them. That’s A though, she’s a nice person. Also, she wasn’t there last year. THEY were. We agreed that we would try harder than last year and god knows we tried hard last year. What a freaking let down. It’s actually physically getting tiresome getting let down over and over and over and over again, and this time coming from my best friends, so that just pours salt in the wound. Do you not remember last year? You knew what you were getting into, and did you not tell your friend? IT. IS. A. RACE. we did it last year, why are you so apathetic now? You guys couldn’t even be bothered, even though you saw how hard I was trying. Why can no one take me seriously? Why? It pisses me off even more. When I’m trying to get you to give a damn it’s all “Oh haha look how pissed she’s getting, god. LOL” Do you know what that makes me want to do? I makes me want to punch you, or scratch your face off and it takes every ounce of my being to not do that. I’m pretty sure I have it in me to do that. Then we’re on our way home, and I say something about you guys not running and you act like it’s not your fault. Honestly I TRULY do not want to be angry with you but you’re making it extremely difficult. I don’t think I would be as angry with you if maybe you said sorry, or acted a little sorry or better when you noticed your mistake, or that I was pissed. You never noticed you mistake, but you noticed i was pissed. Still nothing. Because my anger amuses you, I feel anything it’s amusing to you, you don’t take me seriously. You all care about me but don’t give a crap about how I feel. If I noticed you’re genuinely pissed, and trust me if I can notice it in you, YOU can notice it in me, I back off, I let you cool down, I’m nicer, I show compassion, I give a shit. You guys don’t care, I’m just a character. Nothing is apparently real with me. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m scared, its AWWWW LOLZ. This is why I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. they say the first step is to talk to someone about your problem.The only people close to me would laugh in my face If I said I think I might have depression. Someone already has and that made me even suckier. I feel as though simba could actually be of real help but she has her own problems and I don’t want to get her burdened with mine. Then, that’s it. No one would believe me. Not because I’m a liar, they just can’t imagine me having anything significant. I’m serious but apparently can’t be taken seriously? That’s the worst situation that I could end up in. I HATE that when I was questioning why you guys were just sauntering into the checkpoint now you were all “OOOOHHHH she’s pissed! hahaha” 

All this is sounding REALLY DRAMATIC and I know you guys would just be like “GOD WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL?” but I’m not making it. It just turned into a big goddamn deal. I didn’t expect the race to lead to my memories of self loathing and pity but thanks to you, it was all made possible. to be honest it’s not even about the race anymore, it’s just about that fact that I can officially count you guys onto my list of people I can’t trust, but I should be able to. Thank you, I officially have no one I can trust to not let me down every goddamn time. You’ve let me down before, but I let it slip but this was the first time I actually couldn’t suppress my anger towards you. Ergo, all faith diminishing faster than the speed of light. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this because LAST TIME worked out so well, but I just can’t shake it and when there’s a feeling I can;t shake, into the bucket of depression it goes. I think I have enough buckets to drain the great lakes by now. I have no one I can totally depend on and that fact that you guys were my last hope and the ones I felt were going to make it through to the end so that fact that even you guys fell through really, really cut me down. The fact that there is now no one left to make it through to the end makes the end feel so much closer. Maybe then people will see that I actually did feel sad, i actually did feel angry, i actually did feel depressed. In God I trust that the end isn’t nigh, but that thing is that I now know that with trust comes disappointment—either one or the other with him. That is why I put the date in the title. So that I remember when trust died.

On a sidenote, C&J’s friend must think I’m a bitch but I’m okay with that, I have enough to deal with.